an adoption story

…we met our son.

Here are a couple adoption-related resources we’ve found helpful:

• “The Parenting Dilemmas of Transracial Adoption”, Talk of the Nation, NPR, 5/11/11 - Should transracially adopted kids grow up “colorblind”? New research says no, and that in fact “colorblind” adopted children struggle as adults in ways that the more culturally/racially aware children don’t.
• “Born to be Wild.” in IMAX at the New England Aquarium. - Took Xian to see the one rainy morning recently because it appeared to have animals tromping around in 3D.  As it turned out, the film follows two extraordinary women in far-flung places - Indonesia and Kenya - who have spent the bulk of their lives “fostering” orphaned animals. (elephants and orangutans) Xian was clearly struck by the similarities between these animals’ stories and his own, and we haven’t even discussed it extensively yet.  We’ve found that describing adoption to him using animals as an example (we’ve done this with our pet poodle and now with elephants and orangutans) separates him enough from the issue that he can comprehend it a bit better. Besides the adoption imagery, this is just a sweet, well-done film. If this is playing anywhere near you, go see it.  And bring a box of tissues.

Friday went much better than expected. (read: better than “the worst”)

The run-up to Friday’s festivities was rocky, to say the least, capped by a middle-of-the-night meltdown Thursday that will go down in the record books. Xian saw his birth mom a few Monday’s ago, and since then — what with our prepping him for what to expect Friday — had clearly been wrestling with some “big feelings.” (that’s what our therapists call them) This manifested itself in a number of ways — oversensitivity, affection, pushing us away, heart-to-hearts, clamming up, hot-cold-hot-cold … you get the picture.

He went to bed angry with us Thursday night. I can’t even remember why. Probably didn’t get to wear his favorite PJs or something. When C got him up in the middle of the night to go pee, he had already beaten her to it — in his bed. I got up to help change the sheets while she took him in the bathroom to get cleaned up. This was when he flipped out — crying, hitting, the whole nine yards.  We think it has something to do with being woken up abruptly from a deep sleep, mixed with embarrassment, and who knows — maybe a past midnight trauma thrown in there. When he’d calmed down, C went into nurturing, therapeutic mom mode, hugging and comforting. Xian apologized. He was laughing and smiling. We were all hugging. C put him back in his bed and rubbed his back until he was asleep. All things considered, it was the best possible outcome to an overall rocky night.

That probably averted a rocky start to the morning Friday. (when Xian goes to bed unhappy, it usually carries over into the next day) We got ready and out the door without a hitch and with everyone in good spirits. Arriving at the courthouse, we were directed to the second floor and greeted with a registration table, friendly faces, and breakfast. A number of the lawyers and social workers who know Xian were there, all smiling. After barely cramming a few bites of breakfast, we were summoned to the courtroom for the finalization event.

When we got there, Xian’s social worker handed him a thoughtful gift bag with Cars stuff, a backpack, and a preschool Bible. So, so nice. After that, we heard, “All rise!”, and the judge entered the courtroom.

“Xian!” she yelled out, smiling from ear to ear.

Xian had this look like, “How does she know my name? And why is she wearing that long, black bathrobe?”

She ran down and greeted him and us joyfully. She directed us to a small table, where she began to ask Xian a number of questions to break the ice. Several of Xian’s answers had the whole courtroom laughing. Finally, the judge told him it was time to sign some papers, but she’d only do it if he said, “Will you please sign the papers?” He did, and she signed the documents telling us and the world that we are officially a family forever. (Xian’s lawyer and social worker were working the room with our phone cameras this whole time)

When she signed the official name change document for Xian, she had him say his name to her, which he did with a smile. “Four names!” she said. “I only have two! You must be a special boy.”

“Now, would you like to go up and sit in my chair and let me spin you around?” she asked. Xian nodded.

We all went up to her chair, Xian got spun, and we took some family photos with the judge.

And with that, the finalization of the adoption of our son (!) was over. From arrival at the courthouse to walking out into the mid-morning sun, it was 45 minutes, max.

After changing out of our court clothes and grabbing some lunch, we got in the car and started driving toward our state’s biggest amusement park. We had brainstormed things we could do that Xian would absolutely love, and for the last few months “rollercoasters” have been numero uno on the little guy’s mind. So we decided we’d spend the afternoon riding rollercoasters.

And ride them we did. Our main nemesis all day were the danged height requirements on several of the rides, for without those Xian would have ridden just about everything that flies, spins, flips, and induces vomiting. It was the perfect way to spend the afternoon — together, as a family, enjoying the warm sunshine and some over-the-top awesome fun. I even made my dancing debut as Beyoncé in a kids’ show with the Loony Tunes characters.

At the end of the day, Yelp led us to a nice Italian place for dinner before we drove the couple of hours home. Expectedly, Xian conked out in the car, but not before emphasizing again how he wishes he could have ridden “the big rollercoasters.” Something to look forward to, we told him.

A special note about Friday. Friday’s finalization wasn’t the end. Rather, it was more like the beginning. We still have a little boy who is trying to cope with some pretty big issues and questions. Questions of identity, blame, safety, security, family connection, and physical differences, among others. His thoughtfulness and occasional acting out have continued. He remains confused and concerned about his birth mom’s safety and place in his life. Too often he spends the time he should be a carefree kid processing all-too-adult issues.

But we knew this would be the way it goes down. The best we can do is to love him with our full selves, be as honest as we can be with a four-year-old, patiently walk with him as he learns what to do with big feelings, and continue to love each other shamelessly and unconditionally.

Later today, little Xian will legally join our family. (so you know, he’s keeping his current middle and last names and just adding ours onto the end)  It’s “Mini-Adoption Day” at the courthouse, which means they’ll only do adoptions today, and make a pretty big fuss over it.  Pretty much a big celebration.

But we know it’s not all celebration in the mind of a certain 4-and-a-half year old. Though we know (and have been told by therapists, etc) that he feels safe with us and has formed a strong, trusting bond here, he still struggles to understand what this all means for him, his birth family, and his foster family.  It’s quite a confusing time.  We’re expecting things to get a little worse before they get better.  But we’ve still got an incredible network of support here and elsewhere (you!), including some of the best adoption therapists anywhere.  Whatever road bumps lie ahead, we’ll clear them. 

Your good thoughts and prayers are appreciated today and into the next few weeks, though!

As for today, we’re going to enjoy Mini-Adoption Day at the courthouse, and then we’re going to go ride a rollercoaster.  Pray too that he meets the height requirement.

We were just waiting to have our petition for adoption notorized (whoo hoo!), and watched as Xian had a conversation with a man in the waiting area: X: (to the man) Hello! Man: well, hi! X: Guess what? These are my…(points to me and S) Man: Friends? X: well, not really. They are my…well, parents! That’s my mom and that’s my dad! Man: you are one special boy!

While “mom” and “dad” have been tried out over the last couple weeks, this was the first time he told a complete stranger who we are. A pretty proud moment, and really cute to watch his confidence and kindness toward others.

Today we cleared another significant hurdle in our journey toward formally adopting Xian. Xian’s mom showed up to court and signed the Open Adoption Agreement with 2 visits a year + cards & pictures on his birthday.  We’re thankful she was able to sign the agreement without it going to trial and that we have a mutual agreement.  (kinda scary to think about cobbling together visits / connections piecemeal and without legal mandate) We know that it will be difficult for her to maintain the terms of the agreement, but we hope she’ll be able to so she and Xian can work toward some semblance of a relationship.  

(side note: He’s been VERY empathetic toward her lately, asking if she can come live with us, wanting to help her make good choices, etc. Very, very sweet. And heartbreaking, too.)

(side side note: We heard from Xian’s lawyer that mom is in an especially rough spot right now. Evidently she lost her section 8 and is close to being homeless. Prayers, good thoughts, etc, on her behalf, por favor.)

Back to the good news. Next steps with the adoption are that the father has a one-month window to appeal the open adoption agreement. After that, we’re on track to finalize this thing at the state’s Mini-Adoption Day on May 6th!! 

So today was a hearing at which mom was supposed to show up and sign the open adoption agreement, thus terminating her rights. (she’s been generously offered two visits per year, plus cards and letters)  She never showed.  We weren’t too surprised.  What incentive does she have, really?  She continues to get regular monthly visits until the adoption is final.  She already knows she’s losing her son, and with the trend of judges giving her chance after chance after chance to straighten up, she hasn’t to this point felt the heat enough to show up when she needs to.

Until now.  The judge today went ahead and set a trial date — March 8 — at which point her rights will be terminated, either by  her signing the OOA or not.  We think that with some heat on her she’ll take the generous offer that’s been given to her and sign the OOA before March 8. 

We would have loved for this process to have ended this morning, but we’re definitely happy to hear a firm final date. After that, we can move forward making this little family arrangement we’ve got here LEGAL!

[I’m sorry for the lack of updates.  We’ve both been super busy work-wise these last two months.  You’re due for a general family update on us, though, so stay tuned for that in the next few weeks.  Teaser: We’re becoming a family more and more each day.]

=)

SH

The two items we can’t keep stocked around our house: bananas and toilet paper. Connection?